Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.