priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
This classic never gets old . . .
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Always 🥴
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.