During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Am I having a stroke?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.