DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
You Might Also Like
Banderslack Clamberdorch
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Ah..makes sense now
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
just make the entire table out of coaster
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.