“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant