It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice