My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
#damn
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff