My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
You better watch out
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster: