Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
You Might Also Like
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My dress code is business-casualty.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.