Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
You Might Also Like
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.