[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
You Might Also Like
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Hmmmmm
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.