My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”