*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.