Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
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I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY