her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.