Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I’m listening
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.