Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*