I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Lmao
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.