“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no