I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”