When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
pat pat
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.