blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I need better friends
The honesty is refreshing
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Bruh PLEASE
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy