I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
You Might Also Like
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw