me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
o shit
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
live long and prosper!
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests