Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
You Might Also Like
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”