Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
the three genders
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!