*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.