From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
This why you should mind your business
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw