wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
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Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I think this cat is broken
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge