We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Note to self: always read the final line
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
iPhone X
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no