Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
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DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
If you know, you know
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
the council will decide your fate
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!