You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
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[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: