Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
#ParentingFacts
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.