RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The pasta is now
Bread puns are on the rise!
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.