What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Reporter: *ports again*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁