I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
my first day as a raccoon
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them