Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”