My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*