Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I have a black belt in leather