Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Great acting.. 😂
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
canadian assassins are called killergrams
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.