[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!