MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Camping tip: No.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff