Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
You Might Also Like
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal