I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder