My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
“I FIXED IT!”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.