I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
A new level of troll.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m giving up ice.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead