Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
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I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.