Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”