[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !