oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
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My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic